Pie R Squared Act 2 Scene 2
Act 2 Scene 2: Welsh Cheddar Dragon
John Q: hey, John Q here again. Having unsuccessfully tried a Cheddar Gorge pie shop or two, Joe decides to take a tour of the famous caves therein.
Being a bit distracted, our hero becomes separated from the group. He takes a wrong turn and, not on the schedule, comes face to face with a bona-fide, fire-breathing, big-as-an-office-block, dragon..
Gwyneth (Welsh Dragon): (BREATHING)
Gwyneth: oh..hullo. What's occurrin'?
Joe: umm, sorry I'm a little lost?
Gwyneth: that's alright butt, come by yer.
Joe: Yeaah, I..
Gwyneth: why are you hiding behind that rock?
Joe: no reason, just thought I'd dropped something.
Gwyneth: it's all that fire-breathing nonsense innit?
Joe: well, like-er, you know..
Gwyneth: what total b- (BURP MIXED WITH FIRE SOUND) oh. Sorry 'bout that, must have been something I ate.
Joe: like the last poor schmuck who got lost down here?
Gwyneth: What are you on about?
Joe: you know.
Gwyneth: just 'cause your English doesn't mean I'm gonna eat you?!
Gwyneth: I was gonna give you this.. (SOUND OF MAP BEING UNFOLDED)
Gwyneth: see, by yer, up here, take a right, then..
Joe: right, yeah.
Gwyneth: second left.
Joe: Thanks. (PAUSE) What..is a..
Gwyneth: dragon doing yer?
Gwyneth: it's my district. See, these caves go all the way to Wales, and I'm yer to help out lost souls like you.
Joe: how do you..?
Gwyneth: fit through the narrow cracks? Like so..(VOICE MINIATURIZED) see.
Joe: that's extraordinary. You fit in the palm of my hand.
Gwyneth: I'd put me down now, I'm going to get..(VOICE BACK TO BIG DRAGON) heavier.
See some of you lot like to go pot-holin'. Now they're a right pain in the-
Joe: yeah, anyway..
Gwyneth: oh, ta ta.
Joe: cheerio, thanks for the map.