Pie R Squared Act 2 Scene 2

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Act 2 Scene 2: Welsh Cheddar Dragon

John Q: hey, John Q here again. Having unsuccessfully tried a Cheddar Gorge pie shop or two, Joe decides to take a tour of the famous caves therein.
Being a bit distracted, our hero becomes separated from the group. He takes a wrong turn and, not on the schedule, comes face to face with a bona-fide, fire-breathing, big-as-an-office-block, dragon..

Gwyneth (Welsh Dragon): (BREATHING)

Joe: hello?

Gwyneth: oh..hullo. What's occurrin'?

Joe: umm, sorry I'm a little lost?

Gwyneth: that's alright butt, come by yer.

Joe: Yeaah, I..

Gwyneth: why are you hiding behind that rock?

Joe: no reason, just thought I'd dropped something.

Gwyneth: it's all that fire-breathing nonsense innit?

Joe: well, like-er, you know..

Gwyneth: what total b- (BURP MIXED WITH FIRE SOUND) oh. Sorry 'bout that, must have been something I ate.

Joe: like the last poor schmuck who got lost down here?

Gwyneth: What are you on about?

Joe: you know.

Gwyneth: just 'cause your English doesn't mean I'm gonna eat you?!

Joe: what?

Gwyneth: I was gonna give you this.. (SOUND OF MAP BEING UNFOLDED)

Joe: oh....directions.

Gwyneth: see, by yer, up here, take a right, then..

Joe: right, yeah.

Gwyneth: second left.

Joe: Thanks. (PAUSE) What..is a..

Gwyneth: dragon doing yer?

Joe: yes.

Gwyneth: it's my district. See, these caves go all the way to Wales, and I'm yer to help out lost souls like you.

Joe: how do you..?

Gwyneth: fit through the narrow cracks? Like so..(VOICE MINIATURIZED) see.

Joe: that's extraordinary. You fit in the palm of my hand.

Gwyneth: I'd put me down now, I'm going to get..(VOICE BACK TO BIG DRAGON) heavier.
See some of you lot like to go pot-holin'. Now they're a right pain in the-

Joe: yeah, anyway..

Gwyneth: oh, ta ta.

Joe: cheerio, thanks for the map.